Home Forums General Discussions Open Topic good joke anyone?

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  • #72477
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    expect nothing
    Participant

    <img> Nice <img> I’m shit at telling jokes i usually just say something stupid ( that i thought was sensible) and everyone just laughs ,i’m guessing at me not with me – i’ll have to give them a go

    #72478
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    Rich
    Participant

    Two Muffins are baking in a oven, one muffin turns to the other muffin and says "Man its really getting hot in here" so the other muffin replies "holy shit a talking muffin"

    one of my favorite jokes of all time

    #45205
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    K7 Rides Again
    Participant

    1) Two guys are walking down the street when they observe a dog licking itself. The one guys says to his companion "I sure wish I could do that!" His buddy replies "You probably can…just let him sniff your hand first!"

    2) A guy is reading through the want-ads when he sees an ad for a talking dog. He calls the owner and asks to see it. The owner gives him his address and tells him to come on over. Once there, they guy asks to see the dog and the owner directs him to a back room. The guy walks up to the dog and says "So you can talk, huh?" The dog replies "Of course I can". The guy is absolutely amazed and says "So, tell me about yourself".

    The dog replies "Well, I was born shortly before Vietnam. I was trained to sniff for landmines and put in two tours of duty before returning to the states. After that, I signed on as a police dog sniffing for drugs coming across the border. Then Sept. 11th happened and I took off for New York to help search fo survivors in all the rubble. It all took it’s toll on me and I retired. I found this great home and have been taking it easy ever since."

    The guy is absolutely amazed and asks the owner why on earth he would be getting rid of such a spectacular dog. The owner replies "Because he’s a big fat liar!"

    <img> <img>

    Peace

    <small>[ 11-03-2002, 12:06 PM: Message edited by: kurticus7 ]</small>

    #72479
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    malcom
    Participant

    A man was riding in his car when a patrolman pulled him over and said, "You’ve just won $5,000 for wearing your seatbelt in a safety competition. What are you going to do with the money?"
    And the guy said, "Well, I guess I’ll go to driving school and get my drivers’ license."
    Then his wife, who was sitting beside him said, "Don’t listen to him. He’s always cocky when he’s drunk."
    Suddenly a guy popped up from the backseat and said, " I knew we wouldn’t get far in a stolen car."
    Soon came a knock from the trunk, and a voice said in Spanish, " Are we over the border yet?"
    ___________________________________________
    A woman had twins and decided to give them up for adoption. One was adopted by a Mexican family and named Juan. The other was adopted by an Arabian family and named Jamaal. Several years later the woman and her husband decide to try and find the twins. They are able to locate Juan, and spend a great weekend catching up. After returning home the husband asks his wife if she is ready to find Jamaal. She replies, "No, if you’ve seen Juan you’ve seen Jamaal."
    ___________________________________________
    Q: How many Help Desk workers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: PC Repair has received your mail concerning your hardware problem and has assigned your request Service Order Number 39712. Please use this number for any future reference to this case of trouble. As soon as a technician becomes available, you will be contacted.

    #72480
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    Rich
    Participant

    heres a good one
    A NUN’S STORY

    A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have a
    question to ask you but I don’t want to offend you."

    She answers: "My dear son, you cannot offend me.
    When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

    "Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
    She responds, "Well, let’s see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be a Catholic."

    The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I’m Catholic too!"

    The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley."
    He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when
    they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
    "My dear child." said the nun, "Why are you crying?"

    "Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I’m married and a I’m a Baptist."
    The nun says, "That’s OK, I am on the way to a Halloween party, and my name is Ken.

    #72481
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    Rich
    Participant

    Okay some old bartender at some dive bar told me this one

    _______________________________________

    You got 10 hundred dollar bills in front right pocket

    You get 20 fifty dollar bills in your left back poket

    and 2 rolls of quarters in your back right pocket

    What do you got?

    __________________________________



    Somebody elses pants one

    #72482
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    malcom
    Participant

    A small town has three churches, a Presbyterian Church, a Methodist Church, and a Baptist Church. All three are being overrun by squirrels.

    The Prebyterian Church has a meeting, their minister says "These squirrels are sent by god, it must be his will." So they do nothing about the problem.

    The Methodist Church has a meeting. They decide it would be a sin to harm the squirrels, so they live trap them and release the vermin well outside of town.

    The Baptist Chuch decides to convert and baptise the animals. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

    #72483
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    FlyingCloud
    Participant

    how many blondes does it take to bake a chocolate cake?
    100. one of them mixes the ingredients and 99 are peeling the smarties :)

    #72484
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    SG
    Participant

    What do you call a blonde with a baloon on her shoulder?

    Simese twins :P

    #72485
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    Annastefka
    Participant

    A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon.
    Exhausted from the sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:30 Pm. As the man woke up in a panic he threw on his clothes, and told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them hard through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

    "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. " Ummm, Darling, I can’t lie to you, I ended up having sex with my secretary and we fell asleep and didn’t wake up until 8:30." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "Yeah, right, You lying bastard! You’ve been out playing golf again!"

    Juan told me this joke in bed last night, I Love it!!!

    #72486
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    maxini
    Participant

    Two snails meet and one of them asks: "How are you?". "Bad", says the other one, "my wife has left me."… "So? That’s good news, eh?"…"Well it is.. but I still see her…"

    #72487
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    likeaghost
    Participant

    alright alright alright, horse walks into a bar, sits down and the bartender says, "hey buddy why the long face?"

    #72488
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    crazycloud
    Participant

    It’s been reported that Michael Jackson will appear at a fund raiser to help raise money for Democrats.
    In a related story Tito Jackson is going to appear at a fund raiser to help raise money for Tito Jackson.

    #72489
    Avatar
    Annastefka
    Participant

    Merry Christmas time btw. This is not a joke but I thought it might be nice to bring the topic up again ’cause perhaps someone might need a laugh.

    How to start your day with a positive attitude:
    1. Create a "new folder" on your computer.
    2. Name it "George W. Bush".
    3. Send it to the trash.
    4. Empty the trash.
    5. Your computer will ask you: "Do you really want to delete "George W. Bush"?
    6. Answer, "Yes", and press the mouse button firmly…


    #72490
    Avatar
    malcom
    Participant

    A man is teaching his wife to play golf. As they near the twelfth hole, he begins to get nervous. "Now honey, this next hole goes between a couple of houses, don’t slice the ball to the right or the left."
    Sure enough, she hits the ball and it goes straight through the window of a $1,000,000 home. They go to the front door, knock, and are greeted by a strangely dressed man.
    "Um, I’m really sorry, we were playing golf and we seem to have broken one of your windows."
    "I am the great Genie Al’khazabar. When you hit your ball through my window, you also knocked my lamp over, freeing me from 1000 years incarceration. In my gratitude, I shall grant you three wishes."
    The wife answers immediately, "I would like $1000 every week, for the rest of my life."
    "Granted," says the Genie.
    The Husband says, "I would like to make partner at work."
    "Granted, and what is your final wish?"
    The two look at each other, finally one adds "well, what would you like?"
    "Ah," the Genie replies, "It has been 1000 years since I have been with a woman, I would like to sleep with your wife."
    The two mull it over, and the wife agrees. The two are going at it when the Genie asks, "how old are you, mam?"
    "um. . . 34."
    "And how old is your husband."
    "35"
    "And aren’t the two of you a bit old to believe in magic Genies?"

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